keeping the dreams alive

that restless feeling

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Over the past one month or so since I submitted that thesis proposal, I’ve been feeling very restless and somewhat lost in my research. I’ve been asked to work on my code to make it converge, which I managed to do so. Next, I’ve been asked to work on the literature review to narrow down the question for my first paper even further. However, I’ve been stuck on reading, with not a single word written. I’ve been largely uninspired. I don’t know why. I’m somewhat a really “hands-on” person, which I suppose makes me an applied macroeconomist/econometrician.

Part of that restlessness in me is probably due to other matters in life such as just starting on two tutoring jobs, still auditing a few courses here and there, and so on. What I need is to learn to prioritise, work harder, put in more hours, and cut out the unnecessary things in life. I am still trying and let’s hope I have more productive weeks from this week onwards. I can still make this work, and have my first paper done by end July.

I know I am putting a fair bit of pressure on myself. But, I honestly would like to submit in June 2013 as a deadline.

From now onwards, I am going to try to stay in the office till around 9 to 10pm everyday, and get more work done given how much time is lost to tutoring and stuffs.

Isn’t it funny how I crave for company here in Canberra, yet I really don’t have the time for it? I still feel lonely in Canberra from time to time, and crave for company and good meaningful conversations. At the same time, I just don’t have the time for social activities. I still have my social activities, but just not really the ones I want. It’s here in Canberra that I realised that I do like dancing from time to time, apart from running. It’s in 2011 that I realised that I am actually over and done with going to clubs and pubs, and alcohol in general. It’s also in 2011 that I realise the side of me that enjoys meaningful conversations over coffee, and just chilling out with one or two others still exist. I’m glad, just when I thought I had undergone a huge change here.

I suppose I will just leave things as they are. Almost certainly, people around me are going to start seeing less of me, particularly in college. I’ve gone to my fair share of events this year, trying to know new people. But, to be absolutely honest here, I’ve been really lazy in knowing new people. It’s just too much effort, particularly when I know each and everyone of them are going to graduate before I do. People come and go, and I will still be here.

These days, I also find myself trying to remind myself of why I am here in Canberra – to complete my PhD.

That restlessness in me is making me lose sleep. I was so tired that I crashed and slept for 3 hours in the evening out of sheer exhaustion.

On another note, we have started Autumn really cold. It’s currently around 7 degrees. It’s a little too cold for an Autumn night. I sure hope the weather warms up a little. I am not ready for a bitterly cold winter. For a place that doesn’t snow, Canberra does get really cold in Winter. I remembered we hit -5 degrees on a couple of nights.

This has largely been an incoherent post.

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Written by Jasmine

March 7, 2011 at 02:14

Posted in PhD, Research, Work

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